Keto. Paleo. Plant-based. Clean-eating. Low-carb. Juice Cleanses. Chocolate & Cocaine. Atkins. 5:2. Shakes. Alkaline Diet. Whole30. Sigh.
What the fuck? It seems like food and diets go hand in hand these days, and it’s fucking annoying. Nutrition experts often get fired up about it because healthy eating can be pretty simple and enjoyable. These diets may work wonderfully for some people, but they’re not a one-size-fits-all caper. I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again:
“Everybody is different. You know someone who has transformed their life with a paleo diet. Someone else tried it and got rewarded with a big, fat kidney stone they had to piss out of their tiny dick-hole. You know someone who went vegan, and now they’re healthy as fuck and joyously backing fruit puffs out of their glowing arsehole. Some other poor bastard went vegan and became so deficient in vitamin B12 they had to get shots in the arse. And I’m not talking hot beef injections. You know a skinny low-carb fucker who loves it and thrives. Someone else tried low-carb and had breath like an anus and a brain slower than Tony Abbott’s. And then there’s that fuck-knuckle who eats and drinks whatever the hell they like and never gets sick or fat. You tried that, got so pissed you spewed up your McDonald’s and then shat your fat-pants. So what does this tell us? Fuck all, except that everyone is different and there is no single solution.”
Strict rules around food can backfire. Back in 2017 I took to Facebook to rant about clean-eating:
“Clean-eating. What a fucker of a guilt trip. You’ve eaten ‘clean’ all day, then you dip your trotters into the biscuit tin for a cheeky one. A biscuit down, you think, “fuck it, I’ve already dirtied myself today, I might as well go balls deep”. Next minute, you’ve eaten those bags of Doritos and marshmallows you keep hidden for when you’re high, and have buckled yourself into the car en route to visit Ronald the Questionable Clown. The day spirals further out of control and by the end you’re considering dishing out a blozza in exchange for a bag of Skittles* … But you could have just enjoyed the biscuit and moved the fuck on to salad. You’re not ‘naughty’ – you didn’t hose down a crowd of people with your own urine, you ate a friggin’ biscuit. Guilt for eating something decadent shouldn’t exist. Including some fun food in your life is normal and practical, not a punishable offence.”
A tactic I use to avoid getting sucked into the dieting vortex is to stop giving so many fucks. I listen to my body. I make sure I get enough of the good stuff. But if I really want a cheeky donut, I fucking have one. Dr Tim Crowe (a nutrition expert) reckons sticking to the basics of ‘lots of food variety from fresh produce, high in plant-based foods, close to their natural state. Fruits, vegetables, wholegrains, nuts and seeds are the cornerstone, and then lean meat, fish and dairy if these foods agree with you. From there, include foods that you enjoy the taste of that add more variety and enjoyment to your eating, without feeling the need to completely ban or obsess over any particular food or nutrient.’
So how ‘bout dat? You can have a piece of cake here and there, ya flog, just make sure you eat enough veggies.
Love, Shannon x
P.S. If you want nutrition advice, go see a bloody registered nutritionist or dietician! Don’t trust some knob on the Internet Machine.
*Not a recommended deal as you may end up tasting more than ‘the rainbow’.