‘You can, ah… you can give it a little rub if you like,’ said the dear, weak old man mid bed-bath. He was my patient, I was his nurse. He was talking about his dick, which I was about to wash. I don’t know why old men delude themselves into thinking young nurses have a sexual fever that can only be cured by handling ageing knobs but they sometimes give it a fucking go. Good on them, I suppose. ‘Oh mate, they barely pay me enough to wash the damn thing, let alone tug it.’ He nodded graciously in  understanding and we went about our usual business and chatted about the weather and politics. Bless him, but dry old sausage is just not that enticing, and neither is a dry old satay, so this recipe is a most and tasty one. But flavour and moisture alone won’t get us to old age. So I eat healthy shit like this Chicken Satay because one day I want to be an old tart soliciting crotch touches of my own. Enjoy.

INGREDIENTS: Serves about 4

The Satay Sauce Bit:

• 1 tablespoon peanut oil
• 3 birdseye chillis, finely chopped (less if you don’t like spicy shit)
• 2 cloves garlic, finely chopped
• 2 tablespoons honey
• 5 tablespoons peanut butter
• 1 tablespoon tamari
• 1 tablespoon fish sauce
• 1 cup (250ml) coconut milk 

Other Bits:

• 1 tablespoon peanut oil
• 1 onion, diced
• 500g chicken thighs, chopped into bite-sized chunks
• 2 zucchini, cut into half moons
• 1 head broccoli, cut into florets
• 1 bunch pak choy, roughly chopped

To Serve:

• Cooked brown rice

DO IT:

1. Heat a saucepan over medium heat, and plonk in the peanut oil, then add in the chilli and garlic and fry up for a minute or so. Pour in the honey and peanut butter and stir it round and get it all melty. Then add in the tamari, fish sauce and coconut milk and whisk it until it’s combined.
2. Heat a wok over high heat, and place the peanut oil in. Get the onion in there and fry until transparent and slightly golden. Then chuck the chicken, zucchini and broccoli in and fry for about 5 minutes (or until chicken and vegetables are cooked to your liking) then throw the satay sauce and pak choy in and cook until it wilts (about a minute).
3. Serve atop cooked brown rice and say a little prayer for all the poor nurses out there having to dodge old dick at work.

This is an extract from my first cookbook SHANNON’S KITCHEN: Healthy Food You’ll Actually F**king Eat which can be found in bookstores around Australia and from my online shop!

Shannon x