If you’ve been around the block more than once, you’ve probably encountered a hairy man and the medical condition that ensues after relating sexually to that fuzzy individual: rugburnitis. It’s like pash-rash, except it’s all over your breasts, abdomen and inner thigh region (‘The Rub Zone’). How does one identify a candidate likely to induce rugburnitis? Well, if he has hairs coming out of his torso like fucking yuccas, beware. If you start to dry hump and you have to look down at his thighs to check they are not in fact pineapples, beware. If you are rolling around in the great outdoors, and you run your hands down his fluffy back and find twigs snagged in his back hair, beware. Of course, if you find a quality willydangler that happens to be attached to Sasquatch you needn’t give up on it! You could reduce the severity of rugburnitis by applying talcum powder to The Rub Zone before intercourse or you could ensconce the shaggy gent in a silk bodysuit. If neither of those options are suitable you could take him to the groomers and clip him like he’s an Afghan Hound — he’d be as smooth as this soup.


  • 1 tablespoon butter
  • 1 tablespoon extra virgin olive oil
  • 4 shallots, sliced (or 1 onion)
  • 2 garlic cloves, crushed
  • 1 head cauliflower, cut into florets
  • 1 medium potato, peeled and chopped
  • 4 cups chicken stock (or veggie stock)
  • 1/2 cup crème fraîche

To serve:

  • Fresh parsley leaves
  • Truffle oil (if you’re as rich as Scrooge McDuck)


  1. Whack the butter and olive oil in a large saucepan over medium-high heat. Add the shallots and cook until they’re translucent and a bit soft. Keep stirring — you don’t want them to go brown. Add in the garlic and give that a stir for a minute or so.
  2. Now add in the cauliflower and potato. Stir them up so they get coated in that sexual garlicky grease, then add in the stock. Bring to a boil then simmer for about 25-30 minutes (you need the potato and cauliflower soft as fuck).
  3. Blend it up with the crème fraîche.
  4. Serve with a drizzle of truffle oil (makes it fucking excellent, but isn’t worth selling a kidney for so don’t stress if you don’t have any), fresh parsley leaves and ground pepper on top. Add salt if needed.
  5. Tweak your nipples in celebration for vegetables can indeed be bloody delicious.

Happy cooking, fucker,

Shannon x

P.S. For more easy recipes check out my latest book Shannon Does Dinner: 6 weeks of go-to dinners for those with nary a fuck to give.

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