In a quest to become a skinny, dong-juggling bitch I once committed to a low carb diet. Like a sicko, I put pasta in the naughty corner and I turned bread into a social pariah. Eating potatoes? Never. You see, I thought cutting carbs would give me a tight rig and would see me batting fat dicks away with the ferocious swing of Don Bradman. But in reality a low carb diet gave me the breath of an anus and an attitude problem.

You see, most bodies like carbohydrates — they’re our preferred fuel. Since I turned my back on any and all diets I’ve realised I bloody love potatoes. They give me energy and make me less of a jerk. And they taste goddamn great especially when you reverse a dumptruck up and drop a load of salt on them that would make Homer Simpson’s eyes water.

I wasted so many years fighting with my body and poor potatoes got caught in the crossfire. Not anymore. So may I introduce the Ultimate Roast Potatoes: the easiest way to gain the respect and adoration of those around you, through the power of the crispy outer and tender inner. Enjoy.


  • Golden Delight potatoes (as many as you want)
  • Lots of good quality extra virgin olive oil (or duck fat if you’re a greaselord)
  • A fuckload of salt


  1. Get your oven pumping on 210°C.
  2. Peel the potatoes and cut into big chunks then whack them in a saucepan, cover them with water and get those buggers boiling. Boil them for about 20 minutes you want them soft but not to the point they’re falling apart like Carrie Bradshaw did when Mr Big dumped her for the millionth time.
  3. Pour a fuckload of olive oil into a baking/roasting tray (you want the base of the tray covered with oil like it’s a bikini-clad wrestler) and then put it in the oven for 5 minutes to heat the oil up.
  4. Drain the potatoes then return the potatoes to the saucepan over a low heat and let them dry off for a minute. This is what will make them really crisp up so don’t be a silly sausage and skip this step! Give the saucepan a gentle shake, to rough their surface up ever so slightly.
  5. Remove the tray from the oven and gently place the potatoes into the hot oil, turning them over so they are each coated in that sensual grease. Don’t burn your fucking self.
  6. Bang the potatoes into the oven for about 30 minutes, then turn the potatoes and return them for another 20 minutes or so. Keep checking them as they can turn from delightfully golden to absolutely fucking burned in a few minutes.
  7. When they’re perfectly golden, get them out of the oven and reverse a dump-truck full of salt up to the tray and a drop a load on them.
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