I’m a former nurse so I understand the role that food plays in our health. You can’t barge through life eating a kilo of Skittles a day and expect to thrive, just the same way you can’t suck a thousand dicks in a month and expect not to get a viral facial sore: the odds are simply against you. If you want to increase your chances of living a long and vibrant life then you’ve just gotta eat well (and choose penile encounters wisely).

So yeah, nutrition matters and eating well is so important. But let me be clear: I’m anti-diet. The reason? Because every body is different so there can’t be one single solution that suits everyone. Some bodies thrive on meat and vegetables. Some thrive on tofu and fruit. And some thrive on semen and amphetamines. We are all different. Rather than committing to a stringent regime, I think the secret lies in finding what works for you — finding a lifestyle you can sustain and enjoy and kick arse on.

Navigating the world of nutrition is tricky these days because there is so much noise out there about diets, detoxes and other dubious shit — it can be hard to know what to do. One turkey will tell you the secret to health is celery juice and the next cyber-wally will be fully captivated by a rigorous commitment to coconut oil. Yep, it seems like everywhere you look there’s some dickbeetle obsessed with a dietary fad. But obsessing about anything other than nude pics of Jamie Foxx is an absolute waste of time. Rather than listening to some clown who wants us to stop eating carbs (or whatever the scrawny fucks are doing these days), what if instead we focus on what we want to eat more of… what science consistently tells us is a cornerstone of health: vegetables and fruits!

I understand that diets are alluring because they offer hope. They offer the promise of a hot body. And with that promise comes the possibility that you’ll be presented with an array of genitals to fondle*. But while diets may offer an opportunity to be a skinny-dick-juggling-bitch, they’re kinda shit because they often bring guilt and shame. Unless you’re a cyborg you’ll almost certainly break your diet and then you’ll feel like a piece of faecal matter. For example, let’s say you commit to a paleo diet. It’s going great until one day, you’re at work and feeling ravenous and Trish from accounts has brought in a pavlova. Fuck me dead, Trish. Why must you tempt us thusly?! You spend 15 minutes mentally fighting with yourself until finally, in desperation, you slice off a piece of pavlova that could choke Shaquille O’Neal and throw it in the bushes, then devour it off the ground, convincing yourself it’s paleo because you hunt-and-gathered it. Then as you ride the peak and decline of your blood sugar, you end up in a shame spiral more potent than the one you endured after french kissing your Justin Timberlake poster back in 1999. Well, fuck that shit.

Guilt about food?! For Christ’s sake there is nothing to feel guilty about, you didn’t hose down a crowd of innocent civilians with a super-soaker full of your stale urine! You just ate some tasty shit, that’s all. Enjoy the food you have — however sugary and fat-laden — and just move the fuck on. Life is too precious to waste on that sort of nonsense.

This is an excerpt from my book, Shannon Does Dinner, dropping March 2020.

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