If you’d rather be entered by a Subway sandwich than by your partner you’re not alone — lots of couples root less after having children. Sometimes it’s because you’re knackered and don’t have the time; sometimes it’s because the only finger you’re giving your parter is the middle one behind their back; and sometimes you’re just not sure why the sexual sparkle has faded. For whatever reason, it can be difficult to make it happen. But sex is good. People seem to like it and relationship experts agree that it’s great for individual and relationship health. So, here are some ideas for getting back in the sack:
- Go on dates. Having fun together will make you hate each other less which has a positive impact on rooting levels.
- Catcha ya later, spontaneity! The chances that you’ll both be free at the same time, have relatively clean genitals and be naturally in the mood to bone are slim to nil. Schedule it. It sounds unromantic but it’s also unromantic to pork on sheets that may or may not have infant wee on them so welcome to your new sex life, champ. I figure spontaneity will be back some day so for now I’m happy to pencil sexual relations into the diary (not the wall calendar, visitors don’t seem to like that.)
- Don’t leave it too late. Connect your genitals as soon as humanly possible. If you leave it until after you’ve eaten dinner, snacked on chocolate biscuits and binge-watched Netflex you’re not going to have the energy to muster any razzle-dazzle in your erectile tissue. Do it early. Get the kids to sleep, root, then sit on the couch together drinking wine and feeling smug.
- Lower your expectations. You probably won’t have the luxury of endless time so slow lovemaking may be off the menu for a while. For now, sex might be a race to have orgasms but guess what, that’s still pretty friggin’ great.
- Your fanny/Beaver Las Vegas/juicebox/Vulvarine isn’t sloppy so stop worrying about it. Yes, I acknowledge it was temporarily shredded. For God’s sake, it’s as though a Tonka-Truck drove out of a mouse-hole so I think we can all acknowledge there was some trashing involved. But vaginas are truly remarkable — those gems can bounce back like no one’s business. Your giney is excellent so please present it without shame.
- Enjoy it. You’re not dead yet, you mad-rooter! Sometimes people can feel that they can’t be filthy after parenthood. ‘I can’t do that! I’m a parent!’ Ahhh, pretty sure being a dirty rootrat was what got you into parenthood in the first place so step off that high horse and onto a set of genitals.
This article was adapted from my ridiculous but fabulous and heartwarming book, Parenting for Legends.