So, what we have here is pretty much butter and sugar which is why it tastes so goddamn excellent. There’s a time and a place to pull our dicks about nutritious foods but baking brownies is not that time. I was once health focused enough to try a famous blogger’s sweet potato brownies and they tasted not entirely dissimilar to anus. As I chomped into that sticky square of sadness, my lip curled up in shock and horror (the same way it did when I first tasted semen), and I promised myself I would never disgrace the brownie name again. And I haven’t. These Easy As Fuck Brownies are indulgent—if you eat too many of course you’ll end up with thigh chafe and a gallstone—but as a little treat every now and then, well… get balls deep in them, they’re lovely.


  • 125g butter, melted
  • 125g dark chocolate, melted
  • 1 cup almond meal
  • 1/4 cup cocoa (or cacao)
  • 1/4 teaspoon salt
  • 3/4 cup brown sugar (or you can use 1/2 cup maple syrup if that tickles your fancy)
  • 3 eggs, lightly whisked


  1. Preheat your oven to 170C.
  2. Stir the melted butter and chocolate together. While they’re still warm and gooey, chuck the rest of the ingredients in and give it all a stir until it’s combined.
  3. Pour batter into a buttered and lined 20cm x 20cm slice tin.
  4. Bake for around 30-40 minutes. You’ll know it’s cooked when it’s slightly cracked on the top and if you insert a skewer that fucker comes out clean as a whistle.
  5. Sadly, you have to cool this giant delicious tin of excellence completely before slicing. My thoughts are prayers are with you while you wait.
  6. Once cool, slice it up into tasty little squares and store in the fridge. Be prepared for unexpected erections on tasting (nipple, clitoral and penile – the brownies do not discriminate).


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