There was a time when I viewed my breasts like a set of earrings: they came in a pair, they were decorative and they stayed where I put them. But then I had children and they became a fully functional apparatus, and their role as ornaments became only a side-gig, which if I’m honest, they’re not particularly nailing anymore because years of breastfeeding has them lookin’ more like a set Cocker Spaniel ears than actual breasts. Speaking of making milk: it can be bloody hard work sometimes! And sometimes a mamma needs a little boost. Inspired by Lactation Cookies, these Lactation Balls contain the same tittie-poppin’ ingredients (brewers yeast, oats, flaxseed) but remove many of the fucks you are required to give when making the cookies – because parents with little kids are fresh out of fucks most days. If I have time to spare I’m not keen to spend 30 minutes in the kitchen: I’m looking to do crafting activities, scrapbooking or gardening… I’m fucking with you, I want to do none of those things – I want to be pantless watching TV with a rosé in hand. Now, allow me to present my balls:
- 1/2 cup peanut butter (get a good one where the only ingredients is peanuts and a bee’s-dick of salt)
- 12 medjool dates (these live in the fresh fruit section, not that shitty dried date section)
- 1 teaspoon vanilla extract
- 1/4 teaspoon salt
- 1/2 cup rolled oats
- 1/4 cup flax meal
- 1 tablespoon brewers yeast
- 1 tablespoon coconut oil
- Throw it all into a food processor.
- Whizz the shit out of it.
- Roll the mixture into balls. Big balls or small balls, whatever tickles your fancy! I’m not here to judge.
- If you’re not a fan of sticky balls, roll them in desiccated coconut (or crushed peanuts or some similar shit)
- Bang them in the fridge to set!
- Prepare for your mammaries to become a pair of fire-hoses.