There was a time when I viewed my breasts like a set of earrings: they came in a pair, they were decorative and they stayed where I put them. But then I had children and they became a fully functional apparatus, and their role as ornaments became only a side-gig, which if I’m honest, they’re not particularly nailing anymore because years of breastfeeding has them lookin’ more like a set Cocker Spaniel ears than actual breasts. Speaking of making milk: it can be bloody hard work sometimes! And sometimes a mamma needs a little boost. Inspired by Lactation Cookies, these Lactation Balls contain the same tittie-poppin’ ingredients (brewers yeast, oats, flaxseed) but remove many of the fucks you are required to give when making the cookies – because parents with little kids are fresh out of fucks most days. If I have time to spare I’m not keen to spend 30 minutes in the kitchen: I’m looking to do crafting activities, scrapbooking or gardening… I’m fucking with you, I want to do none of those things – I want to be pantless watching TV with a rosé in hand. Now, allow me to present my balls:


  • 1/2 cup peanut butter (get a good one where the only ingredients is peanuts and a bee’s-dick of salt)
  • 12 medjool dates (these live in the fresh fruit section, not that shitty dried date section)
  • 1 teaspoon vanilla extract
  • 1/4 teaspoon salt
  • 1/2 cup rolled oats
  • 1/4 cup flax meal
  • 1 tablespoon brewers yeast
  • 1 tablespoon coconut oil


  1. Throw it all into a food processor.
  2. Whizz the shit out of it.
  3. Roll the mixture into balls. Big balls or small balls, whatever tickles your fancy! I’m not here to judge.
  4. If you’re not a fan of sticky balls, roll them in desiccated coconut (or crushed peanuts or some similar shit)
  5. Bang them in the fridge to set!
  6. Prepare for your mammaries to become a pair of fire-hoses.

Shannon x

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